The joy and excitement that we experience when we find out we are pregnant for the first time is indescribable. We begin to search the internet about the stages of pregnancy and the entire labour process (or in some case, the caesarean process). We chat with friends and family and begin to download apps such as ‘Baby Centre’. Week by week we wonder what type of fruit or vegetable our baby’s approximate size and weight is equivalent to; “at 12 weeks your baby is the size of a lime, about 5.4cm…. at 23 weeks your baby weighs about the same as a large mango, a little over 500 grams…etc.” We are eager to book our maternity and newborn photographer, creating wonderful memories.
There is an enormous amount of information, which is readily available to us, that guides us through the 1st, 2nd and 3rd trimester of our pregnancy. But what happens to us mums once our little bundle of joy is welcomed into our world? What’s next…? This, my friends, is known as the “4th trimester”. To be honest, I don’t know if it should be titled a trimester because this stage in a mum's life can sometimes last longer than three months. There is no set timeframe.
Once we bring our little miracles to our homes, we know we need to feed them (breastfed or bottle fed), comfort them, put them to sleep, change their nappies, change their outfits, give them a bath, clean their face, pack their nappy bag etc. All these “simple” tasks can come with many feelings we may have never experienced before.
Overwhelming
Babies cry. Its fact and its perfectly normal, in fact it would not be normal if a baby did not cry. Yes, some cry more than others and that’s fine, just like us! The way I see it is those babies are just more vocal. Babies can’t talk. Crying and whinging is the only way they can express themselves and communicate. However, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by their constant crying and noises. We can get overwhelmed because we may not know what they are trying to tell us; Are they in pain? Are they tired? Are they teething? Are they asking for comfort? Or do they just need a nappy change?
This overwhelming feeling can occur if our babies do not sleep when we want them to or when the books/guides advise us when they “should” sleep. Or even if they only sleep for a short period of time. Due to the new environment your baby can become more unsettled when you are at someone’s house and we can get a quite flustered, unsure how to settle our baby.
Anxiety
Being overwhelmed can possibly trigger anxiety. We may begin to feel anxious even before the event. Some examples can include: – packing the nappy bag and visiting someone, attending an event with our baby before the day has arrived or simply driving somewhere with our baby. We ask ourselves; “What if our baby is unsettled while we are driving? Or poos while we are driving? Or is hungry while we are driving? Or doesn’t sleep while we are driving?” Just the simple task of taking our baby out of the car and popping them in the pram can trigger our anxiety. “What if I’ve forgotten how to connect the pram together or how to take the baby out of the car seat?” Etc.
Anxiety may also kick in if we feel uncomfortable around certain individuals for numerous reasons. They may be very opinionated with the way we are mothering our children or the way they are mothering theirs, or just individuals who don’t bring a positive vibe. Even just the thought of how I am going to be able to have a shower, get myself ready and get the baby ready, then you realise “Oh great! Look at the time!”
Lost
Becoming a mum is a life changer. Life will never be the same. This is fact. Like anything in life, there will always be good times and not so good times. We can feel very lost and confused at times. Just not knowing how to juggle; personal life, mum life, husband/partner life, sister life, daughter life, granddaughter life, friend life. Making time for everyone around you and at the same time trying to keep it altogether, aware that there really are not many hours in a day to fit everything in… It is a huge strain we woman put on ourselves. We may even feel lost when it’s just ourselves with our baby’s, just wondering “how will I be able to be the best mum? Can I even do it?”
Insecure
We begin to question ourselves, whether we are doing the “right” thing for our baby. We find greater support within our husbands/partner, and we feel secure when they are around us and our baby. It is almost like we need reassurance from them with every decision we make and just feel relief knowing they are around. Our insecurities start kicking in and our confidence levels can be impacted.
Opinions and Comments
Certain opinions and comments of individuals can really affect our mood and feelings. In turn, impacting our self-esteem. We are so sleep deprived, we probably aren’t eating well, we are trying to adjust to motherhood, in addition trying to deal with all of life’s challenges, and the last thing we want is to listen to un-helpful comments. Although they mean well, we need a positive support system around us to give us that important positive reassurance and to share a glass of wine.
I caught up with a close friend one day: a new Mumma. She began to vent and express her feelings and hectic moments of being a new mum. I could empathise with her and expressed my experiences when I had my first baby. We spoke for ages (as we do) and then she asked, “Elle, why didn’t you tell me this? I never knew all this happens after you have a baby…” Something struck a chord within me, and I began to question myself. “Was I ashamed of my feelings? Did I just deal with it and think it was all normal? Did I not want to dampen a new mums exciting moment? Or did I just not think to talk about it?”
As more and more of my close networks became new mums, it dawned on me how common this stage is and how many of us did not know how normal all this is. But why is it not spoken about? There really isn’t much information out there to not only prepare us for it, but to also help us and guide us. It’s a question I really don’t know the answer to… Are we fearful we will be judged and in turn, people will label us in a certain way?
If you have or are experiencing even one of the above-mentioned feelings, please know you are not alone! You won’t be the first or the last mum, to possibly experience this stage. Express how you are feeling to your close network, seek for support if needed. Only you can pull yourself back together, no-one else can. Sometimes our loved ones just don’t realise what’s happening inside us. I am no expert or educated in the medical industry, I can only mention my own experiences and many families and friends' experiences. You may be wondering, what are some things that can be done to supress some of these feelings and possibly making them go away entirely. Below are just some of many remedies that may help you during the “4th trimester” (B.A.S.I.C).
Believe in yourself
Remember, your baby only has one mother and that is you! No-one can ever replace that. Be confident that you know your baby best, better than anyone else, no matter how many children other mothers have. Yes, they have more experience, but they have never given birth to your own child and every baby is different. You have gut feelings for your own children that no-one else has, not even the baby’s father. Always follow your gut. 90% of the time its right and the other 10% could possibly be wrong but it doesn’t matter, at least you have done something about it and tried. You will know better for next time if there is a next time.
Avoid Comparison
I cannot stress enough, to not compare you with other mums, you do you boo! Don’t worry about what other mums are doing around you, how they look on the outside and what “stage” their babies are up to. It is fact, some babies are more advanced than others and that’s totally fine. All babies eventually get there in the end, doesn’t matter what age. Please avoid putting that load on yourself to do what other mums are doing. We all raise our children differently in some ways and that’s ok. Focus on your path. Focus on what you are doing as a mother and what your children need from you.
Self-Care
We are not superwomen. Accept it. We need to take time out for ourselves. We cannot just focus on work, cooking, cleaning, house chores, being with our children 24/7 and doing everything for them. Yes, all this is necessary but so are YOU! You matter too. Make time for self-care and lock it in your weekly calendar! Self-care can be anything from catching up with your friends without the kids, going shopping on your own, having a relaxing massage and/or facial, going to the gym or even just putting your feet up and resting. It is so important; to allow you to re-charge, come back to your family more energised and most importantly feel good about yourself.
Ignore
Everyone around you will always have their opinions and in some cases, many of them will voice it, even if you haven’t asked them to provide it. “Oh no, no you should do it like this, it’s better if you do it this way… Oh my goodness what happened?! Poor baby has a little scratch on their face… Why is your baby crying? Oh, oh where is the dummy? Why aren’t you breastfeeding? Oh, I breastfed for 8 months straight with my children…” In most cases people can mean well however some comments may not be helpful and lead you to second guess yourself and your abilities as a mother. Choose to ignore it! Just hear it and ignore it. In the ear and out the other. You do what you feel is best for you and your baby. You know your baby better than anyone else, remember that.
Communicate
Communicate, communicate and communicate some more! Express your thoughts and feelings to your partner, mum, dad, brother, sister, cousin, friend, doctor, obstetrician, midwife…. anyone. Even though they may not entirely understand because they haven’t experienced what you are going through, talking will help you unload. It also helps with them supporting you with the whole transition to being a new mum. They may be able to look after your baby for an hour or two so you can have your alone time or just help with doing the washing for the week. Any little bit helps. Avoid feeling bad or guilty. That’s why our support system is there, for us to lean on when we need them the most.
The “4th trimester” can be smooth sailing for some but a huge rollercoaster for others. But know that this stage is only temporary and not forever. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself. You and your baby are learning new things each day. When you are having an “off” day (which you are allowed to have), remember you were chosen to have your baby because you are who they need. In a blink of an eye your baby’s will soon be all grown up and this stage will all be a blur. Keep your head up high and trust yourself. Go with the flow and know that you are an amazing mother and blessed to have these children. You got this!
